


Feeling Blue

by mossybohnez



Category: BBS - Fandom, Banana Bus Squad
Genre: BBS, Banana Bus Squad - Freeform, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, asianboy0122 - Freeform, at least the flowers are nice, couldn’t be me, get ready. for fuckin tears, idk how else to tag this, imagine u get rejected only for u to die, jaayy - Freeform, listen to broken hearts club by gnash when u read this, smii7y - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:21:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27567406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mossybohnez/pseuds/mossybohnez
Summary: The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient coughs and throws up flower petals that are the colour of representation of the person they love. If the person they love reciprocates, the disease will go away. If the person they love rejects them, it can get worse and kill the person infected. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the victim's feeling's towards that person–and the memories of that person–disappear along with the petals.
Relationships: asianboy0122/jaayy, eli/jay
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Feeling Blue

I'd be a lair if I said I didn't take flowers, saying "he loves me, he loves me not" as I picked off each petal. Sometimes I'd get the occasional he loves me's. But mostly, I'd get the he loves me not's. How tragic—just like how I pluck the petals off of my tongue every so often. My family knows I have this disease; I couldn't keep it a secret forever no matter how hard I tried. They tried their best to make it stop, took me to countless doctors, but to no aid. They came to terms that the only way to make me stop is surgery, but they don't have the money for it at the moment, so I'm stuck with it for now. 

I covered my mouth with one hand as the other was clutching my throat, I felt the petals rising in my throat. Fresh tears slipped down my cheeks. My whole body ached: a sign that I was about to be hit soon. No matter how prepared I was, I couldn't make it easier; I couldn't make it hurt less. My body heaved and—as I knew would happen next—the blue lupine petals speckled with red fluttered out. The dark coloured petals and buds slipped between my cold fingertips, landing softly on the hardwood floor of my own home. Again. My breathing was completely cut off. Similar to a rope around my neck, or hands, or a plastic bag over my head; except in this case there was nothing to rip off. All I could do was wait and hope and beg. They were painful as they came out but I couldn't stop this from happening. They fell down to the floor almost gracefully, landing at my feet. I collapse to the floor along with them as more and more kept coming out. My chest burned as I picked them up, eyes narrowing at the familiar colour scheme of a certain persona. I crushed the petals in frustration, my clenched fist loosening as I began to cry. 

I crawled my way to the bathroom, trying hard not to trail petals. I hung my head over the bowl, coughing and hacking a mixture of lupine petals and blood, watching as the water got more colourful through teary eyes. They were harmless flowers, but they were hurting me; mocking me with their various vibrant colours, as colourful as Jay's radiating energy. He made them grow in my lungs; and although they were pretty, I couldn't breathe. It's weird though—I didn't get this when I had a crush on this girl I was friends with. They taunted me from the bowl, making fun of me for ever thinking we could be together; more than just friends.  
When it got too full;  
flush. 

I rested my forehead on the rim of the bowl, coughing weakly and watching a few stray petals fall into my lap. Suffocating to the point of almost fainting until your own lungs decide to reject the growths that filled them up: it was an ugly disease. I had been in there for over an hour, or it felt like I had been. I didn't care if this happened, but it's the fact he was staying at my house for a week. The flowers can be so mocking when they wanted to be, and I'll be damned if I let them continue to mock me. I heard a knock and raised my head. "Eli? You okay in there?" 

"Yeah, why the hell would I not be?" I replied. "Just had some bad like fast food or something. I'll be out in five—" I coughed up more bloody petals. 

"I'm worried dude." He said softly. "I'm coming in, okay?" 

"Wait–"

He swung open the door and looked startled when he saw that I had some blood smudged on my chin. Jay walked over to me and knelt down to my level. "No! Get out! I-I'm fine!" I turned my head back down to the toilet as I hacked up more petals. 

"Is that...are those flower petals?" Jay asked quietly. I nodded slightly. "Oh god. Why are you throwing up flower petals?"

"It's nothing, don't worry about it."

He furrowed his brows. "What do the petals taste like?"

"Not good. They taste like shit." I huffed a laugh, which hurt my chest. 

I couldn't speak for a little while, the flowers hurt my throat so badly. But more and more kept falling out of my mouth. I needed water. Jay put his hand on my back, his touch ever so gentle. It felt nice. I most likely was blushing, but I didn't care. It was at this moment when I realised that I hadn't hacked up any more petals. Looks like it stopped for now, I thought to myself.

"Sorry, can you like, bring me a glass of water? My throat...sorta hurts a lot." 

He gave a brief smile and nodded. As he got up, he looked unsure. He shook his head and walked away, leaving me alone in the bathroom.

I hauled my upper body over the toilet bowl. My legs shook. Almost, Eli. Almost. But I couldn't hold it back, liquid rushed up out of my lungs, thin and clear similar water. It washed up my throat and carries with it curled up flower petals and yet-to-be bloomed flower buds spotted red with blood. The feeling was unimaginably painful. I coughed into the toilet bowl, heaving in deep breaths, collapsing back onto the floor again. It was blissful to have clear lungs. Almost blissful enough that I could ignore the bleeding wounds within them left behind by those damned pretty blue lupine petals. I sat for a moment, head hanging. Tears dropped to the pink-tinged toilet water. When I gathered enough strength, I pushed myself to my feet and flushed the toilet. Petals and unbloomed buds swirled then disappeared. 

Am I being punished for loving, or not being able to make someone love me back? If heart break doesn't kill me, this stupid disease surely will. Every time this happens it leaves the same bad taste in my mouth; iron and rotten vegetables. 

"I wish you didn't make these grow inside my chest; I can't live easily," I said to myself in a hushed voice as I left the bathroom. I wiped away the blood with my hand and plopped down onto the couch. A few minutes later Jay came over to me and gave me a cold glass of water. I thanked him and took big gulps, in hopes that would get rid of the pain. Unsurprisingly it did not. 

"Slow down, you're gonna choke." Jay said, sitting down beside me. I already choke on the flowers you make grow inside my chest, I thought to myself taking one final gulp. I rolled my eyes and placed the cup down. I leaned my head back and looked up at the ceiling, but closed my eyes only seconds later. I still have no idea how or why I fell in love with Jay. It just sorta happened over time I guess. I don't care that much, but I didn't want it to happen anyways. If I knew I'd get this stupid disease then I really wouldn't have wanted these feelings to develop. As hard as I tried to suppress them, it only made the feelings stronger; and the flowers bloom more in my lungs. 

The rest of the day we just played some video games and went out to some stores; pretty much just acting like nothing happened. Until we had gone to sleep, well, when he had gone to sleep. I was restless and my lungs burned, but the burning felt cold. If I didn't escape this room soon, I'd be kneeling over on the floor, my throat wheezing out things I didn't want anyone, not even myself, to see. The damn bouquet that grew in my damned lungs and rooted into my heart.

As I clambered out of my bed, coughing as quietly as I could, the springs of my bed creaked. I turned around and saw Jay looking at me, tired confusion on his face. 

"Eli? You okay?" 

"No," I said bluntly. "I'm about to be hit again and throw up petals."

"Again?" Jay climbed out from the bed and walked to me. 

"Yes, again. I can't control when this happens. It's a disease—" I coughed out more petals. 

He paused, seemingly trying to take it all in. "What the hell? Why didn't you tell me?!" He had both hands on my shoulders, looking at me with concern and...pity? No no, it wasn't pity; it was empathy. It was masked by so much concern that anyone could easily make the same mistake. That, or I'm just an idiot who can't tell the difference between emotion in faces. 

I struggled to get away but inevitably stopped, he had such a firm grasp on me, which was shocking. I never expected him to have a strong grip. "Shut up and let me sit down asshole!" I said in between coughs. Oh shit, here we go again. And just like I didn't want to happen, I was kneeling on the floor as petals fell out of my mouth. 

Jay settled me down on the floor of my room with him, hugging me in an awkward way as I coughed and hacked up the red speckled petals down his back. All he could really do is either just hugging me tighter or run his fingers through my short hair. He was breathing rapidly. I hope I didn't bring on a panic attack, that would make me feel so shitty; even more shitty than I feel right now. I know for me, it hurts to fucking breathe—not like I really can when I'm expelling these damned petals out of me anyway—but I couldn't imagine how hard it was for him to breathe if he was having a panic attack. 

It was suffocating and unbearable. Why do both the restraint and release of my damned emotions have such destructive properties? In the midst of me damn near coughing out my lungs, I sunk into unfeeling blackness. Tomorrow comes too soon, the end is full of bloom. I wanted to just be consumed already by the festering garden inside me, but at the same time I want to be loved in quiet rooms. I awoke the next morning to the sight of shrivelled up petals on my floor and...Jay? I came to the realisation that I was laying on top of him on my floor. He had his arms still wrapped around me, holding me firmly close to him. I had to pry his arms off me as I sat up—even in his sleep he had a decent grasp on me, shocking. I slowly became aware of the familiar taste of rotten vegetables and iron on my tongue, and the feeling of a few petals that remained in my mouth from the previous night. I plucked them out of my mouth, quietly gagging as I did so. 

With more than a handful of spit covered petals, I threw them out in my trash bin and went to go wash my hands in the bathroom. Over the sound of the sink running, I could hear Jay grumbling about how his back feels. I go back to my room and see him rubbing his lower back. When he saw me, he asked if I was okay. I told him I was feeling better. 

"So," he began. "Why do you vomit flower petals, man?" 

"I have a stupid disease. It's not contagious, so don't worry." I sighed. I never wanted to have to talk with him about it. 

"What's it called?"

"Fuckin uh, it sounds like a Japanese thing. Hana-something disease, or similar to that." I brushed my hair off to the side with my fingers. I should shower today. "It happens when you like someone."

"Hana-what?" Jay gave me a confused look. "So you like, throw up these petals because of a person you like?"

I nodded.

"So who is it then?"

I bit my lip. "I don't want to say."

"C'mon dude," he sighed. "It's not like I would know the person if it's someone from college."

I felt my body get tense and looked at him, studying his face. "I mean, well...I think I'm in love with you." I said quietly, too embarrassed to say it out loud. I can't believe I said I think I'm in love with him! Of course I am, why else are these flowers the same colour of his energy? God I'm so stupid. I became flustered, my face going beet red. If I hadn't suppressed my feelings this badly for so long, I probably wouldn't even be in this situation. I could feel the fear and frustration building up inside me, like hot magma—or I was going to be hit again. But it's most like the former.

"You mean like, as friends?" 

I sighed deeply. "No, like real love." He seemed stunned. I don't blame him. I mean, his best friend of eight years just confessed his feelings for him, and that's why he vomits stupid flowers. How else would you react? 

"I don't even know what to say to you right now," Jay spat, frustration bubbling. There was a scratchiness to his voice, as if the words were vomit burning his throat as they came up. I recoiled slightly, I didn't expect him to become so harsh; it felt like venom when he spoke. I wanted him to keep his voice down so he wouldn't wake up the rest of my house. 

"I know, I didn't expect you to know what to even say after hearing that." I let out a shaky breath, running my sweaty fingers through my hair. "I didn't want these feelings, but they developed and here I am; cursed with puking flower petals because I already know you don't like me back." 

Jay sighed, not looking at me. "You're right. I don't like you back. How could you...see me in that way dude?"

I felt like I was going to cry, but I did my best to suppress the feeling. "You're asking me! I don't know either! It just sorta happened." 

"I don't know how to feel about them." 

"Again, I honestly don't blame you. If you want to leave because of this...I won't stop you. I understand." He thought about it for a minute before walking over to me and pulling me into an awkward hug. Holding back my cries was hopeless, and so I began to cry silently into his shoulder. 

Later that day he had an Uber come pick him up. I felt hopeless and like I had betrayed him; all because I like him more than a friend. When he left, I sank back into my bed thinking about how much I ruined our friendship. Honestly, I was just wallowing in my own self-pity and idiocy. There was a faint smell of rotting vegetables and blood in the air, but I couldn't be bothered to spray air freshener. 

I stayed in bed all day, not answering to any knocks on my door or texts from anyone. I felt something when I shifted in bed. When I examined it, it was his blue shirt. I sighed sadly to myself. This is one of his favourite shirts, I thought to myself. I picked it up and cuddled it. Fucking christ. 

Months had gone by and Jay and I have had little to no conversations. It saddened me that we don't talk as much as we used to, but I don't hate him for not wanting to talk to me after I confessed my feelings. Though I did hate how there was now a pain in my chest constantly. It kept me up at night and no amount of painkillers seemed to get rid of it. For a short while, hugging Jay's shirt helped ease the pain, but soon it wasn't enough anymore. One day I felt a bump over where my heart is. I tried picking at it to see if it would go away, but that only caused more excruciating pain. Pushing down on it also causes excruciating pain. I decided to leave it be and not tell my parents about it, they worry about me enough as is. But nobody told me that these feelings would be fatal. As time went on, the pain in my chest became so unbearable that I couldn't even do the simplest of things and I was never able to get enough sleep no matter what. I felt like I was slowly dying from this disease. 

I was talking to Smitty throughout all of this, bitching and moaning to him about the pain in my chest, and how I missed Jay. Mostly how I missed Jay. Smitty did his best to be there for me and help out as much as he could. But it felt like I was having a constant heart attack. My voice was small and shaky one day, I was trying to suppress the pain as much as possible, but to no use. I was on call with him, the bump on my chest seemed to grow, and I had noticed a warm feeling trickling down my chest. When I looked down, I saw a blotch of blood collecting in the fabric. 

"Fucking christ," my voice sounded like all the air had been squeezed out of my lungs. I stood up from my chair and took off my shirt quickly. I could hear Smitty asking what's wrong—I think I accidentally unplugged my headphones from my computer when standing up. I told him what happened and investigated my wound. It definitely popped alright... It looked like there was a stem sticking out of it. I poked and prodded at it, which caused immense pain to shoot through my entire chest. I could taste blood in my mouth. My heart was racing and my mind went completely blank. I suddenly felt really dizzy and collapsed to the floor with a loud thud. I felt overwhelmingly weak. 

"Eli? Are you okay?" I faintly heard Smitty ask. I wanted to lie to him but I didn't. I told him I wasn't and explained what just happened. "Jesus christ, should I call someone then?" 

I wanted to move and get up, but I felt too weak. I attempted to crawl but my body felt so heavy. My body was exhausted without me doing anything. I told him to call Jay. He seemed reluctant, as he didn't want to leave me alone in this state, but meekly I insisted. For a few seconds he was quiet then he hung up. I breathed shallowly, suddenly I heard my phone buzzing frantically on my desk. As much as I wanted to get up to answer it, my body wouldn't budge. I could feel myself start to cough up more petals, this time it felt rougher. A deep, dark despair worked its way through my body, and then exploded out of me. My body turned without me doing so and expelled out fully bloomed flowers with thorns. So much blood came out of my mouth, I didn't think it was humanly possible for this to occur; neither did I think vomiting flower petals in general was possible, so let alone bloomed flowers... 

My eyelids started to feel heavy and it was becoming a hassle to keep them open. Inevitably I shut them and slowly I slipped into bitter unconsciousness. It was so dark and the nothingness oddly felt oddly comforting. My breathing ceased, and in that moment, I was gone. 

This is what it feels like; nothingness, deafening blackness. Comfortably numb within and without myself.


End file.
